All Purpose Computers (APC) is looking for someone to assist them in their business. APC specializes in Consulting, Repair, and Programming (CRAP). Candidates for this job should have had several years experience working in CRAP. Candidate with the most experience with CRAP will be more likely to get the job. Those with exceptional understanding of CRAP have the potential to earn management postions responsible for giving CRAP to our key customers. (Note: This is a real job!)

USUCK repair needs an employee to assist in our Fixing Up Computer Keyboards branch. Only those with great talent in this area need apply. We need someone who is willing to work without notice, for long periods of time, and for little pay to help us Fix Up Computer Keyboards.

Local construction company need someone to Build Levels Of Wood. The successful candidate for the BLOW job should be willing to work hard for long hours.

OFTM MEMO TO ALL STAFF*

Re : SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our programme of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office.

If you feel you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be already trained, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) program.

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) program.

THANK YOU

Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) AKA Big Cheese

P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Regional Assistant Trainer Special High Intensity Training (R.A.T.S.H.I.T.) and those with no personality at all will be nominated for the honourary position of Deputy Unpaid Management Briefer Special High Intensity Training Students (D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.S.).

OFTM MEMORANDUM*

To: All Employees From: CEO Date: 31 January 1997 Subject: Retirement Policy

As a result of the reduction of funds budgeted for the department, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people (who represent the future).

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside our company. Provided that they are being RAPEd, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get free HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

R.U. Kidding CEO

*Legal Notice: These two articles are not original OFTM material. Thanks to Greg J Priestley and his compilation of jokes. Used without permission.