OFTM Declares War on the Ozone!
 
I have recently discovered a great conspiracy being led by groups of old farts, whom we call politicians, and ugly environmentalists. Now it's no surprise that the government and the environmentalists are involved in a conspiracy. And it's no surprise that many environmentalists are ugly. After all they have no life or friends because they are ugly. But this conspiracy is led by the ugly environmentalists and affects us all. What do these ugly people want most of all? For everyone else to be ugly so they won't seem as ugly, of course. And how do they plan to do this? By protecting the evil layer of gas known as the ozone. Now sure, you may have heard it protects us from harmful ultra-violet rays and global warming, but that information is being spread by the ugly environmentalists. The real reason they are protecting the ozone was discovered by me, the Big Cheese, after reading a recent article. Researchers in a Berkeley study recently announced, "... ozone rapidly strips vitamin E, a critical component of healthy skin, from the uppermost skin layer." So there you have it. The real reason why these ugly people are protecting the ozone. By keeping a large supply of ozone in the air they are slowly but surely contributing to the damaging of everyone's skin. They don't have much to lose but you do! 

What can you do about it? You can join the OFTM's war against the ozone. By doing your part in helping destroy the ozone in any way possible you will save the beautiful skin of all people on the planet. Yes that means in the future there will be women with the most fantastic skin ever imagined. There are several ways in which you can help destroy the ozone.

  • 1. Use lots of aerosol hair spray. I recommend using a can a day. This will not only keep your hair styled in the way you like, but the aerosol propellant destroyes the ozone.
  • 2. Buy a refrigerator for every room. When selecting refrigerators choose a large model as that will contain more harmful cooling materials.
  • 3. If you have an older car which has a freon cooled air conditioner turn it on every time you drive. It doesn't matter if it's freezing, you want to protect your skin right?
Now the governments part in this conspiracy may seem a little unclear to you now. Let me fill you in with the details. The government has made it illegal to use freon in car air conditioners. That's because freon damages the ozone. However, our friendly neighboring country Mexico has not made freon illegal. That's right, you can go right down to Mexico and buy containers of freon! OFTM requests that all people who have the opportunity should go down to Mexico and buy a compressed container of freon and let it all loose. You can destroy trillions of particles of ozone at a time! Think of all the skin cells you'll be saving. Now we know that not everyone has the ability to get to Mexico. Don't despair! You can donate money to OFTM and we'll drive down to Mexico and purchase freon to release. 100% of your donation will be used for the purchase of freon; none will be used for paying OFTM staff.*

* A portion of the money donated will be used for purchasing bottles of Tequila.

Please send money to:

    OFTM's Destroy the Ozone Campaign

    P.O. Box 1156

    Westminster, CA 92684-1156

Your donation will be greatly appreciated by all.
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